Holiday consumerism: American as apple pie

Yes, I Have a Point

By: Angelo Lanham

Posted: 12/8/08

What's more American than apple pie?

Nothing, that's what.

Now, try to think of a Norman Rockwellian holiday scene involving apple pie.

What do you get? I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that you're imagining a nice painted scene of a family sitting around a table, with perhaps a grandmotherly figure hovering over said apple pie with a slicing device, about to divide and distribute the pie.

Most likely, this scene is offered from a through-the-window perspective, so the viewer can see all the warm colors within the window contrasting nicely with the cold, snowy ones outside.

But where do these Americans get these pies? Why, they make them, of course.

Er, except for the billions of families who lined up and crammed the Marie Callender's parking lot on Thanksgiving Day.

That's right, you've been caught.

I know who you are because I'm a secret operative of Marie Callender's.

I know your great American moment was brought to you by consumerism.

Let's allow Norman Rockwell to rest for a moment, and think about the good old American company, Marie Callender's.

We've established that apple pie is very American, and Marie Callender's makes apple pies and is, therefore, American.

And if you hop on their Web site, you'll see lots of nostalgic stuff about how for 60 years, Marie's legacy has been providing you with your American pie.

But if the height of Americana is sitting around a table on a national holiday about to devour baked goods, where does working on national holidays fit in?

Think, for a moment, about us kind people at Marie's, bringing you pies and serving you until 7 p.m. Someone's got to do it.

I was there bussing tables, and ended up sticking to the joint until somewhere around 9 p.m.

Do you think I was in a Rockwell painting this year?

Not that I'm complaining, really - there was some decent cash in it, and I'm broker than the Ten Commandments.

While I was cleaning up after you guys on Thanksgiving, though, I thought about my previous occupation at OSH.

Ah yes, Orchard Supply Hardware. They aren't above hair-trigger displays of red, white and blue when a holiday comes up. They have posters featuring giant eagles staring off patriotically into some distance. The exact caption escapes me, but the words are something like "United we stand."

As good old Americans, they even have a barbecue every chance they get.

But I remember distinctly as corporate memo after corporate memo let me know that I would be working more and more holidays on which the store had previously been closed.

While they didn't make us work on Thanksgiving, most other holidays fell prey to capitalism. One year, I got a little letter from some head OSH fat cat, saying that because of the financial success garnered by being open for the first time on Memorial Day, they "might open on days traditionally closed, such as Christmas and Thanksgiving."

Christmas? Who the hell would come to a hardware store on Christmas? The sadistic reincarnation of Scrooge?

While I worked a few Christmas Eves there, the whole Christmas thing never came to pass. But it is sort of funny that a star and stripe company like OSH would consider atheistic notions such as those described above.

And think of the poor saps working Black Friday, which saw several stores overloaded and proved the end of an unfortunate New York Wal-Mart employee.

According to a New York Times article, a crowd of people that had gathered around the store, which has been known to sell American flag flip-flops, decided at 4:55 a.m. that they weren't going to wait another five minutes for the opening at 5 a.m.

Under the mob's pressure, the glass doors shattered, and the store was flooded by holiday shoppers who ended up trampling 34-year-old Jdimytai Damour to death, all to save $10 on Guitar Hero.

The article said that the shoppers, stating that they'd been waiting since the morning before, didn't take kindly to the notion of leaving, even after it was discovered that a man had been killed.

That enough Christmas joy for ya?

I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that you should enjoy your automated holiday season. Get your pies the day before or the day of, buy an electric drill from OSH on Christmas Eve, and go ahead and get your 40s from 7-Eleven on Christmas Day - they'll be open.

But don't forget the people behind the scenes who make this all possible. And waiters, tip your bussers.