Caution: 'Cloverfield' may cause dizziness, boredom

By: Kevin Rand

Posted: 1/23/08

Special effects and cinematographic gimmicks have officially ruined movies.

Case in point: "Cloverfield."

Think "The Blair Witch Project" meets "War of the Worlds" - minus any morsels of substance those two movies provide.

"Cloverfield," which couldn't hold a candle to either of those lackluster blockbusters, sucked.

The movie was shown from a behind-the-camcorder point of view. The problem is that I could have done a better job with my cell phone cam than director Matt Reeves did with whatever he was using.

Forgive me when I reveal the movie's "big surprise," but it's not worth your $9.

If you've seen the previews, a billboard or even a poster, you might know that the Statue of Liberty is missing her head in the movie.

And what, you may have been asking, was responsible for beheading Lady Liberty?

A big, scary monster was.

That's it. That's the big surprise.

So Cloverfield is the government name for Manhattan, after what the viewer is to assume is a military leveling of the Big Apple in its battle against said big, scary monster.

And remember, this is all from the point of a camcorder, a camcorder that began the movie by filming scenes for a going-away party for Rob Hawkins, played by Michael Stahl-David.

After the party drags on long enough for the viewer's anticipation to become boredom, the scene is literally shaken up by a thunderous boom, which momentarily shuts off the city's power.

Nobody in the theater - or at the party - knows where this sound came from at the time. But at least I was moved from the back of my seat to a lean-forward position, after what seemed about an hour of bad acting and shaky footage.

So we follow Rob and his team of five around the city as they try to find a way to his lost love interest, Beth, all the while trying to find out what is beginning to tear up the city.

I'd say that the effect of making Manhattan an Armageddon scene was impressive, but I've seen it too many times before.

I've seen "War of the Worlds." I've seen "Deep Impact." I've seen "The Day After Tomorrow."

This movie was a redundant attempt at a quick box-office hit, and looking at the Internet Movie Database's Web site, I can see that it has succeeded by topping the charts over the weekend.

When will we ever learn?

I didn't. I believed the hype in anticipation of the big, scary monster, which the movie never explained.

I ignored the warning signs of possible "motion sickness" posted near the movie theater's entrance.

And if all of this was not warning enough for you, I hope you enjoy the big, scary waste of time.